Keeping Abreast of the Situation I supposed to stop what I'm doing for this?

OK, I’ll admit it: the barely fuckable women of indeterminate funding who constitute FEMEN, the feminist agitprop group famous for flashing their tits, are at least trying to up their game with their first demos recently in the Islamic world – even if they were careful to choose locations where it is still safe for Madonna and Lady Gaga to perform.

We can only hope that they follow the logic train they are clearly riding and extend their protests to places like Kandahar, Mecca...and Woolwich.

But even if they do – and survive – this tit-flashing technique is already becoming tedious in a world where the 'tit dollar' is now nearing hyperinflation. In case these Roosh rejects haven’t realized, tits have been the wallpaper of the West for the last few decades, and while flashing them as an act of politics might be slightly novel, the whole thing is now becoming jejune and jaded. Yes, FEMEN is quickly nearing the end of its pink, wobbly, benippled road.

Nowadays my cursor hardly ever stops for them and my remote-control digit goes straight over them without a flicker of curiosity. These girls are now ironically about as exciting as an old maid dressed up in Victorian crinoline. So, what to do?

There are still a few avenues open to them. If they want to keep the same staff of moderately-shaggable bints that they already have, they will have to up the shock ante and start showing more than just a few mediocre mammaries to set alongside their mascaraed, moronic messages. It is time for these lasses to go “south of the border” and start using their other lady bits. They have already been acting like a bunch of twats and making arses of themselves anyway, so it would only be a change from the metaphorical to the actual.

Along with the vast majority of the bored and disinterested public, I’m not about to pay any attention to their protests unless at least three of them have synchronized anal sex with donkeys on Viagra as they hysterically protest against the subtle ways that society demeans and insults women.

If animal rights issues conflict with this worthy scheme, there are a couple of other alternatives. The first of these is to limit their protests to the upper chest area but to greatly improve the breasts on display. Unfortunately this would mean firing the current staff, and using all the money they get from their mysterious benefactors to hire the best boobs in the business. Each FEMEN demo could then be proceeded by a poll in FHM or Nuts magazine, with the winning girls duly selected and daubed with the slogans for the world’s press to snap.

We're bored, ladies. Try in on ISIS.

But even this would represent a slow heat death of gradually diminishing returns as most of the top tit tottie is already touting its tits to tedium.

Ultimately the only real way for FEMEN to maintain “feminine potency” involves something a lot more radical: nothing less than supporting a wholehearted return to Victorian moral values and feminine modesty. Only when the world has been returned to a state in which a glimpse of stocking is looked on as something shocking will the potential of flashing a lump of lady lard in a public have any kind of power to provoke.

Alternative Right
30th May, 2013

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